Conscious Communication, 2 of 2 - Psych Central Blogs

Conscious communication is a window into the world of our own and another?s heart and mind.?As a tool, it guides the energies we bring to our communications, so that we remain consciously aware of what is going on inside of us, our feelings, thoughts, what we want and need.

In Part 1 we described eight attributes of a conscious way of talking. In this post, the focus is on conscious-listening.

Listening is perhaps the most critical component of effective communication. That?s because feeling?known, heard, understood, valued, and so on, are hardwired emotion-drives, critical aspects of our overarching drive to do more than merely survive, that is, to matter and meaningfully connect in life. Our drive to thrive is directly connected to our survival. Unfulfilled drives to matter can and do negatively directly impact our health, emotional, mental and physical.

Conscious-listening is a way of being present to see, know and recognize the other?s unique value, as a presence in your relationship. It?s impossible to authentically love another, though this is a common mistake, without being willing to connect and be a non-judging witness to their concerns, needs, dreams and frustrations.?As important as it is to resolve problems or issues past or present, problems can quickly become ?impossible? to solve.

Why? We fail to see most all issues are questions of the heart, thus, tend to rely on ?logic? to persuade the other to do things our way.?The more we build a case like a lawyer or judge, the more the other?s heart shuts off.

When our thoughts or views feel dismissed, unimportant, ignored by the other, our body subconsciously regards them as ?threats? and activates our defenses. Our deepest yearnings are to matter, to meaningfully connect, to contribute value in our relationships, and thus at minimum, we yearn to be treated with dignity (especially when upset).

What this means is that, because these core strivings are emotional and relational in nature, they?cannot?be solved with logic (alone). In fact, our attempts to solve them with ?logic? (our versus theirs) are the cause of much resistance, suffering, confusion, despair, perhaps also loss of hope and feelings of powerlessness.

The challenges of resolving issues can be lessened considerably when we understand that, ultimately, it is in our highest interest as individuals to consciously act in ways that treat one another with dignity?unconditionally. It is the key to growing healthy, vibrant relationships.

1. ?Train your mind to consciously listen with an open heart.

To resolve conflict, regardless how intense the disagreement, we need an open heart to listening with compassion and understanding of the other. This is the part we tend to find most challenging. Rather than use the power of listening to open the other?s heart, we fight to be heard, understood, appreciated, not realizing how our actions are often what?s blocking us from getting the love we yearn for in our key relationships. We need a way of listening in which we consciously choose to treat the other with dignity, thus, make a commitment to avoid judgments, accusations, blame, and other anxiety-provoking responses.

Stay centered on listening to the other fully. Focus on understanding the heart of their message, their positive intentions. Listen for feelings and emotional needs, and feelings and needs beneath the feelings. Listen for unfulfilled expectations, wishes. Suspend judgments, and give the other the benefit of doubt.

2. Be an empathic presence.

Place yourself in the other?s shoes, and really look at the world from their perspective, understanding his or her feelings, emotion-dirves. What is the underlying message? This does not mean you need to agree. Just see the world from where they are. When you do, this sends the heart warming messages such as:

?I value you as a person and recognize your unique perspective and experience of the world.?

?You are important to me, you are cared for, you are a real presence in my heart.?

?I believe in you and trust your ability to think, make choices and learn from any mistakes.?

These messages can be conveyed without even saying these words, or any words. Although hearing such words can be powerfully healing, these messages are also expressed by being consciously present, in mind and body, also aware of your body-talk when you are listening,??making eye contact, giving your full attention, the look on your face, perhaps touch when appropriate, all show your concern or care.

3.?Give empathic responses.

Every communication is a bid for connection. Responses are powerful in that they let the other know whether you are empathically connected or not. When your response communicates you?re not connected to place where you seek to understand the other, you send a message that you do not care. Emotions directly affect your and their physiology, thus your communication. When you are not present, the other feels the disconnect in relation to you, and, unless they are have a set intention to remain aware and present, they can lose their own sense of safety and connection.?For example, let?s say Jonathan comes home from work and says the following to his partner Sue: ?My boss blasted me in front of my colleagues today!?

Examples of non-empathic responses:

Sue: ?Look at you complaining again. Why don?t you just quit??

Or?

Sue: ?What did you do to get him angry this time??

Neither of the above responses are effective. In the first, Sue?s comment dismisses John?s concern, treating him like a child who should stop complaining and grow up. In the second, even worse, the comment accuses, blames and attacks him as a person, sending a message that his effectiveness as a person is in question.

Examples of empathic response:

Sue: ?I?m sorry to hear that. That must have been embarrassing.?

Or?

Sue: ?How insensitive of him. Are you still upset about it??

?4.?Be accepting.

Unconditional acceptance means letting go of judgments of the other as a person.?Judging sets a competitive tone that turns conversations into competitions for who is superior and who is inferior, right and who is wrong, good or bad, better or worse, and so on. There are NO winners in these competitions when it comes to family relationships!?To stop being judgmental, practice the following (it takes work!): consciously separate the worth and value of a person from their actions or behaviors. While it?s necessary to assess and think of what behaviors are harmful versus ?enriching, when we attack or condemn a person?s character, we are literally striking lethal blows to the relationship we have (or had). It?s just human nature. Relationships follow laws of physics, such as: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Although common, it?s unrealistic to attack a person?s worth or capacity as a person, and then expect them to change their behavior, even thank and love us more! People tend to live up to expectations, and we wonder why. Be accepting and believe in others instead. It?s much more powerful than judging. Focus on giving unconditional acceptance instead.

5.?Use clarifying questions.

Paraphrasing or repeating back what you say allows you to clarify meanings and understand the other.? Sometimes it is necessary to ask questions to clarify meanings, such as ?I?m not sure what you mean,? can you tell me more about this?? or ?What do you mean by ?too upsetting to deal with?? Asking for addition information not only helps you to better understand the other, it also sends a positive underlying message that ?I want to know and value your perspective.? Nothing warms the heart more than sending a message that you value the other by valuing their viewpoint.

In conscious communication, both talking and listening skills matter and work together, serving to provide an emotional experience that allows each person to feel safe enough to grow a quality relationship in which key?emotional?needs (not wants?) are expressed, mutually valued ??and met through?natural?giving ??from a place of love and joy, and not fear, shame or guilt.

Though emotions span a broad range, pitch and depth in intensity and complexity, from the perspective of the body?s autonomic nervous system, ultimately, love and fear are the two main signals or feeling-physiological states of the body. In other words, all feelings root back to either love- or fear-based emotions.

When you talk and listen in ways that stretch you, particularly in moments where you may not ?feel? like doing so, you exercise your ability to stretch and courageously develop the capacity to authentically love your self and another.

And since the ingredients that strengthen your relationships have to do with feeling states that you (consciously or subconsciously) energize in yourself and the other (by your?self-talk, beliefs) ? nothing is more important to growing healthy relationships than ?adjusting??how you treat (thus ?feel? about) your self?and?the other in the moment.

Conscious communication is an intention to do our best, in challenging moments, to remain empathically connected to self and the other, rather than triggered and defensive. When we feel safe enough to be present, we are more likely to express ourself authentically, and thus more likely to be listened to, validated and valued in return.

Relationship consultant, author, licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Athena Staik shows clients how to break free of anxiety, addictions, and other emotional blocks, to awaken radiantly healthy lives and relationships. Dr. Staik is currently in private practice in Northern VA, and writing her book, Safe Enough to Love?: Breaking Free of Addictive Love in Couple Relationships. To contact Dr. Staik for information, an appointment or workshop, visit www.drstaik.com, or visit on her Facebook fan page DrAthenaStaik

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Catch up on other posts by Athena Staik, Ph.D. (or subscribe to their feed).

????Last reviewed: 28 Feb 2013

APA Reference
Staik, A. (2013). Conscious Communication, 2 of 2: Five Attributes of Conscious-Listening. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 1, 2013, from http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2013/02/conscious-communication-2-of-2-five-attributes-of-conscious-listening/

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Source: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2013/02/conscious-communication-2-of-2-five-attributes-of-conscious-listening/

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WHO: Small cancer risk after Fukushima accident

FILE - In this April 16, 2011 file photo, Wakana Nemoto, 3, standing next to her mother Naoko, receives a radiation exposure screening outside an evacuation center in Fukushima, northeastern Japan. People exposed to the highest doses of radiation during the Fukushima nuclear plant disaster in 2011 may have a slightly higher risk of cancer that is so small it probably won?t even be detectable, according to a new report from the World Health Organization released on Thursday Feb. 28, 2013. (AP Photo/Hiro Komae, File)

FILE - In this April 16, 2011 file photo, Wakana Nemoto, 3, standing next to her mother Naoko, receives a radiation exposure screening outside an evacuation center in Fukushima, northeastern Japan. People exposed to the highest doses of radiation during the Fukushima nuclear plant disaster in 2011 may have a slightly higher risk of cancer that is so small it probably won?t even be detectable, according to a new report from the World Health Organization released on Thursday Feb. 28, 2013. (AP Photo/Hiro Komae, File)

FILE - In this April 7, 2011 file photo, Japanese police, wearing suits to protect them from radiation, search for victims inside the deserted evacuation zone, established for the 20 kilometer radius around the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear reactors, in Minamisoma, Fukushima prefecture, Japan. People exposed to the highest doses of radiation during the Fukushima nuclear plant disaster in 2011 may have a slightly higher risk of cancer that is so small it probably won?t even be detectable, according to a new report from the World Health Organization released on Thursday Feb. 28, 2013. (AP Photo/David Guttenfelder, File)

LONDON (AP) ? People exposed to the highest doses of radiation during Japan's Fukushima nuclear plant disaster in 2011 may have a slightly higher risk of cancer but one so small it probably won't be detectable, the World Health Organization said in a report released Thursday.

A group of experts convened by the agency assessed the risk of various cancers based on estimates of how much radiation people at the epicenter of the nuclear disaster received, namely those directly under the plumes of radiation in the most affected communities in Fukushima, a rural agricultural area about 150 miles (240 kilometers) north of Tokyo.

Some 110,000 people living around the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear plant were evacuated after the massive earthquake and tsunami on March 11, 2011 knocked out the plant's power and cooling systems, causing meltdowns in three reactors and spewing radiation into the surrounding air, soil and water.

In the new report, the highest increases in risk appeared for people exposed as infants to radiation in the most heavily affected areas. Normally in Japan, the lifetime risk of developing cancer of an organ is about 41 percent for men and 29 percent for women. The new report said that for infants in the most heavily exposed areas, the radiation from Fukushima would add about 1 percentage point to those numbers.

"These are pretty small proportional increases," said Richard Wakeford of the University of Manchester, one of the authors of the report.

"The additional risk is quite small and will probably be hidden by the noise of other (cancer) risks like people's lifestyle choices and statistical fluctuations," he said. "It's more important not to start smoking than having been in Fukushima."

Experts had been particularly worried about a spike in thyroid cancer, since iodine released in nuclear accidents is absorbed by the thyroid, especially in children. After the Chernobyl disaster, about 6,000 children exposed to radiation later developed thyroid cancer because many drank contaminated milk after the accident.

In Japan, dairy radiation levels were closely monitored, but children are not big milk drinkers there.

WHO estimated that women exposed as infants to the most radiation after the Fukushima accident would have a 70 percent higher chance of getting thyroid cancer in their lifetimes. But thyroid cancer is extremely rare, one of the most treatable cancers when caught early, and the normal lifetime risk of developing it is about 0.75 percent. That risk would be half of one percentage point higher for women who got the highest radiation doses as infants.

Wakeford said the increase in such cancers may be so small it will probably not be observable.

For people beyond the most directly affected areas of Fukushima, Wakeford said the projected risk from the radiation dropped dramatically. "The risks to everyone else were just infinitesimal."

David Brenner of Columbia University in New York, an expert on radiation-induced cancers, said that although the risk to individuals is tiny outside the most heavily exposed areas, some cancers might still result, at least in theory. But they'd be too rare to be detectable in overall cancer rates, he said.

Brenner said the numerical risk estimates in the WHO report were not surprising. He also said they should be considered imprecise because of the difficulty in determining risk from low doses of radiation. He was not connected to the WHO report.

Some experts said it was surprising that any increase in cancer was even predicted.

"On the basis of the radiation doses people have received, there is no reason to think there would be an increase in cancer in the next 50 years," said Wade Allison, an emeritus professor of physics at Oxford University, who was not connected to the WHO report. "The very small increase in cancers means that it's even less than the risk of crossing the road," he said.

WHO acknowledged in its report that it relied on some assumptions that may have resulted in an overestimate of the radiation dose in the general population.

Gerry Thomas, a professor of molecular pathology at Imperial College London, accused the WHO of hyping the cancer risk.

"It's understandable that WHO wants to err on the side of caution, but telling the Japanese about a barely significant personal risk may not be helpful," she said.

Thomas said the WHO report used inflated estimates of radiation doses and didn't properly take into account Japan's quick evacuation of people from Fukushima.

"This will fuel fears in Japan that could be more dangerous than the physical effects of radiation," she said, noting that people living under stress have higher rates of heart problems, suicide and mental illness.

In Japan, Norio Kanno, the chief of Iitate village, in one of the regions hardest hit by the disaster, harshly criticized the WHO report on Japanese public television channel NHK, describing it as "totally hypothetical."

Many people who remain in Fukushima still fear long-term health risks from the radiation, and some refuse to let their children play outside or eat locally-grown food. Kanno accused the report of exaggerating the cancer risk and stoking fear among residents.

"I'm enraged," he said.

___

Mari Yamaguchi in Tokyo and AP Science Writer Malcolm Ritter in New York contributed to this report.

Associated Press

Source: http://hosted2.ap.org/APDEFAULT/bbd825583c8542898e6fa7d440b9febc/Article_2013-02-28-EU-MED-Japan-Radiation/id-4670ec19e3d04fba83ce2782c1e2d388

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Soldier-turned-TV cowboy Dale Robertson dies

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By Randee Dawn, TODAY contributor

Dale Robertson, who used his Okie background and love of the American range to craft a long career in TV and film westerns, died at 89 on Wednesday near his home in San Diego, Calif. according to the New York Times.

He died of complications from lung cancer and pneumonia, his wife told the newspaper.?

Robertson's career spanned the decades following WWII; he appeared in early television series including "The Iron Horse" and "Death Valley Days," and by the 1980s he had regular recurring roles on later shows like "Dallas" and Dynasty." He created and starred in the "Wells Fargo" series and served as the titular star in the 1987-88 series "J.J. Starbuck." Over the years, he racked up credits in over 60 films and 430 TV episodes.

According to the Times, Robertson didn't have a burning urge to become an actor; reportedly he only got into showbiz so he could start a horse farm. Acting came along almost accidentally -- a photo taken of him displayed in a shop window drew the attention of Hollywood talent scouts, according to his IMDB.com bio, and he began working in show business after serving overseas in WWII (he was the recipient of bronze and silver stars). Prior to his military service, the former Dayle Lymoine Robertson was a high school sports star and pro boxer.

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Robertson with Marilyn Monroe at a celebrity baseball game in 1952.

But as he said in a 1988 interview, acting was really just an extension of his own personality. "An actor can change himself to fit a part, whereas a personality has to change the part to fit himself," he said in an interview in 1988. "The personality has to say it his own way."

Robertson was married four times, and eventually realized his dream of owning a ranch after he left showbiz, purchasing one in Yukon, Okla.?

Perhaps his longevity and endurance can be traced back to advice he took from Will Rogers Jr., who was the son of the famed humorist. "Don't ever take a dramatic lesson," Rogers reportedly told Robertson. "They will try to put your voice in a dinner jacket, and people like their hominy and grits in everyday clothes."

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Source: http://todayentertainment.today.com/_news/2013/02/28/17131097-dale-robertson-soldier-turned-onscreen-cowboy-dies-at-89?lite

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